And now, a scene from Night of the Living Essay
Posted by Michael Pope on December 4, 2009
INT. POPE’S SMALL ROOM /CELL /THING – EVENING
MICHAEL is sitting at his desk, frantically typing away at his KEYBOARD as he works dilligently on another of the many essays his professors at STIRLING UNI love to assign him, all inexplicably worth 50% of his total class grade. Scattered around him are the PILED-UP REMAINS of many an EMPTY TAKE-AWAY BOX and drained can of KRONENBOURG 1664 PREMIUM LAGER (3.50 for a 4-pack of tallboys at Tesco!).
Suddenly, his PHONE rings.
MICHAEL: Sigh. I miss Spongebob. (Note: MICHAEL’s US phone has SPONGEBOB giggling uncontrollably as a ringtone. It makes MICHAEL giggle uncontrollably as well)
MICHAEL’s friend KEIR: “Pope! Come quick! The Scottish Bikini Team needs two guys to help wax their chests before the annual Miss Highland Haggis competition tonight!”
MICHAEL: I can’t. I’ve got so much stuff to do. I’m absolutely swamped.
MICHAEL looks at his TO-DO LIST, scrolling through the entries: ESSAY, ESSAY, ESSAY, ESSAY, ESSAY, ESSAY, BUY BOOZE, ESSAY, REMEMBER TO BLINK, UPDATE BLOG.
KEIR: Come on, dude! They even said that if we do a good job, they’ll let us eat black pudding out of their belly-buttons! Come for the banter!
MICHAEL (pauses): Alright, I’m there.
MICHAEL throws on a clean pair of PANTS, his STIRLING UNIVERSITY HOODIE, slips into his cool pair of green-and-black ADIDAS SHOES that he bought in Glasgow and bolts out the door, forgetting to shut-down his laptop.
During a freak thunderstorm that evening, LIGHTNING strikes MICHAEL’s flat (even though the nearby WALLACE MONUMENT is a giant tower that sits on a nearby rise of land and reaches about 1000 feet higher than his 3-story building) and the electical surge travels through the WALL SOCKET and into his LAPTOP, bringing his half-written ESSAY to life.
ESSAY: WOOOOOOOOOOOORRRDSSS… WOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRDSSSS… 2,500 WOOOOOOOOOOOORRRDSSS… MULTIPLE SOOOOOUUUUURRRRCESSSSSSSS…
The newly-animated ESSAY proceeds to stalk the unsuspecting town of STIRLING in the night, feasting upon the productivity of STUDENTS and TOWNSPEOPLE alike. To this day, it has yet to be found.
—
So that’s basically what happened.
- Pope
Ryan said
Well that just seems incredibly far-fetched and I’m not quite sure I believe it at all! Good DAY, sir!
Stan said
I agree. You lost a bit of credibility after the KRONENBOURG 1664 tallboys. Evidence: no photos of bikini team. Further, who has ever seen you in a “clean pair of PANTS”? To boot, not even in Scotland would they put up a monument to Wallace while wholly ignoring Gromit! It strains credulity.
KEY PRIGHT said
HOW YOU GOIN HAVE PUDDIN WITHOUT NO LEMONAID!
mom said
I now believe you are over there for “creative writing” but me thinks the alcohal helps.